When does moving on stop, and when does finding a new one begin? Why does the heart hold on even when it starts to beat again? Why do we meet unexpected people, feel good, be happy and feel guilty? What are we truly looking for?
I was in a “no commitments” relationship (sorry, I don’t know how to call it exactly). I was in love (in my mind) and was happy, because finally, I was granted a second chance. It was what I wanted after that dreadful unexpected breakup with my long term and long distance ex-boyfriend. I loved him. No questions asked. Everything was okay. I felt good, but somehow, I wanted something to change. I couldn’t figure out what and why. I didn’t even know if there was actually a reason. Then I settled (and that’s less as far as my feelings are concerned).
I was trying to dismiss my feelings, yet deep inside, I knew I was looking for something. Although I didn’t know what.
Everything seemed tolerable. I was fastened. In fact, I planned. We planned.
But plans are just plans until it’s executed, right? Sometimes, plans don’t work for us, because fate has its own way.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a stranger appeared in the picture—a moment that, for the first time in my life, changed everything. What would I do? I asked myself. How much risk could I take? How much was I willing to notch up?
Confusions started to knock me over. And then I began soliciting questions and receiving no solid answers. I was happy and contented, but this shamble appeared out of the blue. I knew something was going to change. What was I feeling? What was wrong? Why did everything seem to be so right at a wrong time? Was I ready?
And all the plans were scrapped. They were junked. They were great, but something greater was coming. And I did the unimaginable. I took the risk. The risk I didn’t even know where it would take me. I was silently afraid. I had doubts. Doubts that’s not de rigueur. I cared of course but in my heart, all I knew was that was the only chance I was given by the person I loved for a long time. Besides, I had fearlessly grasped the situation. I tried to brace myself for some possible and big changes. Big changes are hard. Nevertheless, I couldn’t let them pass me by.
Chances come only once in a lifetime, right? This chance is so beautiful that it gives you butterflies.
At one point, I felt guilty for doing the unthinkable, yet I felt good doing something I thought was wrong. I wondered if being on the other side of the road means directing me to my own happiness, the happiness that’s been missing and been neglected for a long time. A genuine one. I’d rather get lost than be on the right path to be vague again.
At the end of the day, I knew that I’ve hurt him because of the decision I suddenly made. I hurt him when I went away and became dishonest. I gave up and left someone that I treasured and valued for a long time. Was I wrong or unfair? Or was I right because finally I got to figure out what I wanted and what I needed. What could make me happy even though I had no idea what I was going into?
How could I let go? How could I take the risk? What if I fail? What if it fail? These questions will never stop nagging me, but I have to stop entertaining them in my brain.
The past would hold a special place in our hearts. The memories would linger in our minds and we should be thankful for those memories. Without those, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t be better and fiercer and more prepared for a better future.
There will always be episodes that are poles apart from the past to whichever we will have in the future with someone who we’d decide to share our hearts with. Just always remember that if we believe that something better arrives, then take the chance. Definitely won’t be the same but it’s wholesome.
The risk we take for love is horrifying, but it’s one of the most beautiful things that’s been created in this universe.
If you ever found yourself being consumed a hundred times by your own thought and indecisiveness, it’s okay. It’s alright. It’s only a proof that you’re living your life. We just want to avoid to get hurt, fall down, stumble and make wrong turns. And they’re all part of life. Just learn to let go of the things that don’t make you happy anymore. Don’t be afraid to move on and start a new chapter. Don’t be afraid to take the risk, it’s the only chance you have to take.
Destiny will fabulously serve its purpose. That’s happiness, more than anything else.
In the end, I hope you feel no regrets about what you did. All that fear doesn’t really matter. All the bad memories and holding on you had will have no place in you eventually.
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