To the guy, I accidentally fell in love with, know that even though it’s hard, I tried to fight my feelings for you. Our story isn’t a love story, rather, it only had a beautiful beginning and a puzzling ending, and it’s an accidental love.
To the guy I accidentally fell in love with, it was crystal clear in the beginning.
When you go back to your country, there will be no “us.” You will forget about me as though nothing happened—just nothing. Sure, you have the right to remember the pleasurable times we had which did not involve romance.
Those were the words I clearly mentioned the first time we met and spent the night together. And I was confident that everything that was happening between us was clearly a matter of no consequence. You agreed. We both agreed.
Every little thing went sharp as we agreed upon: no stress, no hesitations, zero drama. We were just happy souls having a good time. You were spending your short little leisure time in my city before you headed back to Europe for school and work while I, your self-proclaimed buddy, was willing to tour you around and be with you at my most convenient time.
I remember the first night we met. We had such a splendid conversation over dinner and drinks like we were best friends. You walked me home when it was already midnight, and we were totally carefree. We had such a lovely, friendly and drama free milieu about us.
The next day, we met again and shared dinner together, but the will of the wind had changed. Things began to get deranged. Laughter and jokes were absent. Instead, there was a dust of romance in the air. Love and attachment were penetrating. Could be.
The accidental love that grew in me, my feelings for you
I guess love always rolls in at times when you’re not equipped. Love is a hunter. The more you hide and run away from it, the more it hunts you.
You were the guy I thought I’d ever fall on to the category of accidental love. It’s ridiculous, I know. Yet, I neither wanted love from you nor give you love in return. Our situation was tangled. We were not ready for any shot at romance that was bound to happen. So, we just shut our eyes and continued being real good buddies—nothing more. Again, we agreed that there would be no attachment, zero stress, and drama without feeling guilty. Crystal clear.
I wonder when things had gone differently. O I wanted you to stay, because I wanted you by my side. Things escalated. A small argument developed. It was awkward having what seemed to be a lovers’ quarrel with someone I was not even in a relationship with, and that was new to me. I was not sure where it came from, but we suddenly had an argy bargy and we both realized that we shouldn’t be too attached. We shouldn’t act like a real couple because in the first place, we never were.
My nerves were humming, “Tick tock tick tock.” I sat down, shut my mouth, and contemplated for a while. That simple thought made a lot of sense to me. The idea of this relationship, if at all, originally came from me, but it all pranced towards me when I started to get attached to you, which was not my intention. And I was terrified just having the thought of accidental love. But it sure did hurt me deeply. How could you not develop feelings for someone you’ve cared so much about even for just a short period? Couldn’t it be possible?
I tried holding back my feelings for you like how I intended to do at the very beginning, but I figured the most difficult thing to fight in this world is feelings.
I pretended I wasn’t capable of getting hurt and loving someone, so you wouldn’t ever think I was weak. So I guarded my heart by portraying that all things were under control.
On the other hand, I was satisfied that I left something for myself because possibly, I almost already let you invade my world without even realizing it.
In the end, even though I knew that I somehow felt something during our fiddly relationship, I’m proud to say that I didn’t completely fall in love with you. To be glued to you was the last thing I wanted.
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The sense of unpreparedness and unwanted love is destructive.
And that was probably because I figured that you were that type of guy who’d let girls fall for you, but couldn’t take responsibility. I hope you will be and I believe you are. So here I am, definitely proud of myself because I got off the hook. I stood my ground and I wish that every girl could be like me, so they wouldn’t end up sobbing over a spilt cup of sweet coffee. And wished every girl could be as brave as I am, so no guy could take advantage of her fragility.
I started to love you and I sadly hate you. I hated the fact that it’s just a mere accidental love and I couldn’t do anything about it.
The last time that we saw each other, there was no warning at all. I was never expecting that it would be the last day I would see you. It was a roller coaster ride. I hoped that I had one more night to spend with you and clear out everything. Because I honestly felt, somewhere in between, the emotion was drowning me. I wanted to let you know how much important you were to me.
And despite all the things that had happened, the misunderstandings and sad ending, I still miss you. I really do. And sometimes I wish that I never met you. You brought a disease to my heart that caused some complications that need doses of medicines to be completely healed. But it will be healed. It’s not going to linger; it’s going to exist for just a short span of time. I just need to be extra careful next time.
If we ever cross paths again
I have no regrets you came. I am thankful that despite everything that had happened, I believe there were reasons why you intruded on my peaceful world and left a broken piece of memory. And still grateful for the accidental love I had for you. Out story, It had a beautiful beginning and a glum ending. But, with all my heart, I guess, even though you’re someone, a guy who I accidentally fell in love with, still, thank you. You are incredibly different. One last time, let me say I miss you.
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