He left me wondering by leaving the group chat. We were 4 happy people in it: me, my sister, my other close friend Cai, and him. We’ve been friends for a decade now, and our friendship was made to last; thus, we labeled our friendship BFF, which stands for best friends forever. But then, one day, after coming back from a long trip in Southeast Asia, something was off. This is how my bff broke my heart.
I was beyond delighted to see them all again after weeks of being away finally. Besides, I couldn’t wait for their reactions to see their reactions to the souvenirs and gifts I bought for them, especially for him. I knew he was going to love it. I was too ecstatic to tell him tales from my long trip. What I ate, whom I met, among many others. As if there’s someone who’d patiently listen to my nonsense or crazy stories, he’d be the one.
But somehow, I felt as though was something was off when he left our group chat.
Despite that, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He must be having some problems, I thought at the back of my mind. Yet, I was bothered. I kept having floods of wonder, “Why did you leave the group chat?” To clear off my qualm, I sent him a message on Facebook. He was and even posted something to his wall, which ran through my newsfeed. But he didn’t reply.
Then, one afternoon, he seemed aloof when he came home. He didn’t smile or even say hi. Maybe because I was in the middle of my class at that time (I’m working from home), he didn’t even strike a conversation with me, contrary to what I was hoping since we haven’t had much time catching up.
I thought of surprising him with the Starbucks mug I bought for him during my travel around Malaysia.
“Will he take this or not?” I was in hesitant.
On my next break, I was audacious enough to initiate a conversation.
“Are you leaving, too?” I asked him, feeling a little nervous.
“Yes,” he replied in a low tone while starting to take his clothes off the closet.
I reckoned he was going to say that he was leaving, but I honestly wasn’t prepared to hear it, so I pretended it was alright, that my bff didn’t just break my heart upon breaking the news.
Whereas, Cai, who also lived with us, advised me he was leaving 2 weeks before moving out.
“I see,” I continued as I felt the glumness running over me.
Why? I interrogated again. “Because I’m going to have a new job and the place I’m going to stay in is free and closer to my workplace.”
I belted up for a while and finally said, “Okay then. I’m gonna miss you.” Tears almost shed from my eyes. My bff just broke my heart without really trying to.
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I still wanted to figure out what’s wrong. Yet, I didn’t want my bff to know that he just broke my heart by having a decision to leave.
My mind was full of questions left unanswered. Was it because I sent messages on our group chat in capital letters? Or because of what I saw in our flat? It was probably because I was angry with them for not cleaning the bathroom and dumping the garbage, which became a breeding ground for maggots? (They all knew I’m afraid of worms, and I cry when I see one.)
I tried to be coherent as much as I could to make him feel that I wasn’t bad at all for treating them in such a way. I know I was always like a monster or a predator, but I have a big heart, and I’ve never eaten or beaten prey. Sometimes I was like a dragon toward them, but I never really kicked them out of my own space even if I could. And he knew exactly how I truly appreciate him and loved him around. I
Most of all, I was exuberant whenever we’re having crazy sex talks and sharing stories about boys on the messenger group.
I guess his decision was final and that whatever I said would never change his mind. He was leaving and he was definitely serious about it. At the same time, Cai also executed the same thing that made my heart lonesome. Seeing and watching them both packed up all their stuff, I knew there was nothing I could do. You know sometimes, people leave you, even the closest person you know. That’s the sad reality. But then I thought, well, I still have my sister.
Consequently, my bff massively broke my heart, the one I loved sharing crazy stuff with.
As I couldn’t get over with it, one night, I urged myself that I needed to send him a message conveying my sentiment, so I did.
He said it wasn’t his intention to make me grieve. I frankly told him that he seemed so cold towards me. The conversation on messenger was emotional.
“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” I asked. He said there was nothing. He was sorry for making me feel uncomfortable about his moving out. As for me, I totally had nothing against any of them moving out of my own flat. I mean, of course, they could do whatever they wanted to or leave whenever they wanted to because it’s their life, and I had no right to stop them.
On the other hand, to relieve the thought of how he broke my heart, he lovingly said that he’s coming back to visit me sometimes and we’d surely gonna have some coffee, or go swimming together again.
That was when I came to realize to myself that the people you care about the most will never be staying with your forever, no matter what. I now believe that everything has its end. Our friendship won’t end, but not seeing him for a while or our time together under one roof coming to an end casts a gloom on me.
I will surely miss the laughter when we talked about sex and boys and the discovery of 90% of each other’s secrets. I’m afraid bits and pieces might never be the same again. Hopefully not. I’m holding on to the fact that we’re super best friends and nothing’s gonna change.
I loved my bff, even if he unintentionally broke my heart and I had accepted the fact that he had to live on his own. And although it completely saddened me, my love and respect for him were greater than my grieve.
He had his own life, I kneww, and I had mine but the fact that we’re not gonna see each other every day will make such a huge difference. Hence, I’d immensely miss him. We were inseparable, like a couple. That even when we were traveling together, people would mistake us for lovers, so I would always prod him to stay away from me so that I could attract boys’ attention by joke and approach me. Whereas, he’d laugh at how flat chested I was and he’d puked upon having the thoughts of girl to girl.
“Sometimes, good people will leave you eventually and you can’t wind that up. That’s the reality because they have a choice to make. Living their life without you sometimes is no such big deal for them, but you’re still part of them and you’ll be each other’s armour in the future. “
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I must admit, I got used to seeing him every day for many months, and living with him brought bliss for me.
We may not always share the same meals daily, but the bonding was unparalleled, and I really love it. We treat each other like super best friends and like family back then. I was their big sister—sometimes, their mother. The one who would prepare meals for them and clean the entire flat after leaving a big mess would leave for work.
And because he’s one of the best people I cared for the most, even if he broke my heart, he’s still my bff, and that would never change. He’s one of the trustworthy people I loved and cherished, and I hope that he’d come by to visit me once in a while. We will have a barbecue party, go swimming again, or drink beer on the balcony while watching the traffic jam. Or maybe next time, he will have more crazy things to say about his love life. I can’t wait for that day.