escapesanddiaries
To the guy I was not ready to love yet
Love & Life Relationship

To the guy I was not ready to love yet

Somewhere between our meetings online, we knew there was something special going on. Then you came and saw me in person; we had good times together. To the guy I was not ready to love yet. Neither were you.

“ Hello. You are very cute! Nice to meet you!”. Funny as it may seem but this was exactly how we first met online. I thought you liked my compliment but you seemed like a very shy guy.

” Do you like guys with glasses?

You asked.

Of course!

I immediately responded, followed by, “I like you!”, In a joking manner. You smiled timidly. And then we started the conversation with a touch of getting to know each other. Though mostly about you, because I grew too fond of you (secretly) in an instant.

Impressed by how kind you were toward me, I constantly told you stories about my life, particularly the part about my terrible breakup with my long-distance ex-boyfriend. You listened very patiently. At the same time, you also were comfortable sharing your life. Thus, our conversation lasted for so many hours. But we never got tired, and we enjoyed it a great deal. Although I already warned you that I wasn’t ready to love yet to any guy I’d meet soon, you never really cared.

Ultimately, we got connected in a way.

I guess people were sometimes right, that “timing is everything.”

Somewhere between our conversations, we felt that there might be something special. Though we didn’t want to start any far-reaching event in the momentum. After a few weeks of daily parley, you then decided to visit me in the Philippines. Hence, I was beyond delighted as you mentioned before that you usually didn’t leave your country. Making a decision to meet me in person already made me believe that I already made an impact in your life. And making me part of you.

On the other hand, jumping into another relationship wasn’t my thing yet. I wasn’t in a hurry, however, despite those good talks we shared. In other words, even though you’re a guy whom I deeply admired, I wasn’t ready to love yet.

When we finally met, I got starstruck by how good-looking you were in person more than seeing you on Skype. I gave you a soft kiss on the cheeks and a warm hug, trying not to be awkward. Such gestured were not common in your culture.

The first night was pure enjoyment. Drinks at a very fancy bar, great foods and splendid conversation. I was also surprised that there were never awkward or silent moments between us. I guess it’s because we sensed that there was already a good foundation built even before our first meet-up.

So the next day and for the rest of your stay in the Philippines, we went sightseeing, lunch, dinner, and drinks together. Wanting to take away the naive part of you, I let you experience a lot of first times such as eating barely by your hands, peeling off mango by teeth, and surprising you how I opened a bottle of beer by my teeth. called me a monkey in the zoo when I tried to climb a mango tree.

On top of that, I loved that you took a photo of me as your remembrance. It was sweet, although I gave you a good laugh about the crazy weird things I showed you.

Little things made you smile and appreciate so much, that according to you, you barely sorted out back in your country.

As time progressed, I took a photo of us and sent it to my sister; she got crazy over you and said,”Omg! he’s so handsome! you should marry him!”. I had this electric “kilig” factor and that there was something in you that I adore in some way.

You’re very kind, handsome, and very polite, which I seldom determine with guys that I’ve dated before.

To the guy I was not ready to love yet

Eventually, you had to go back home. Leaving an impression that I might have something to hold on to. There were almost “us” with no clarification.

We kept in touch everyday. I appreciated the fact that despite the distance, you care so much about me. My health that you always reminded me to take a rest, to take vitamins and get enough exercise. Whereas you didn’t apply the same to yourself. Regardless, I knew how much you valued me into your life.

Above all, you said that I could run to you that you’re always there for me if I needed anything. You were a genuine person, generous, and I felt fortunate to have you around.

To return the favor, I had always been giving you my best shot to sharpen your English because sometimes you kicked up a fuss. Wanting to improve more, but in contrast, you’re quite lazy. Worn out from the day’s hard work was your constant excuse; thus, I couldn’t do anything about it, so we always found ourselves chatting about random topics.

But not long enough, somehow we our feelings for each other started to fade away for many reasons. You got preoccupied at plenty of stuff while at the same time, rarely replied to my messages. As I knew you’re not the type of guy who liked sending emails or messages, still, I tried to push you to do so even though I believed in myself that, I wasn’t also ready to love yet. It’s ironic, I know.

Besides, I came to think and asked myself if I was really making a difference to the guy I wasn’t really ready to love yet but whom I cared and liked so much.

One day, you said you wanted to hear the magic word ” I love you”. I was confused. Left with no words, I honestly didn’t know what to say. I liked you, in fact, so very much that even if you ignored me occasionally, I never gave up on you and I tried to understand you like no woman in your life ever did.

You knew how special you were to me. But above all, you’re the guy, the reason why I let my guards down, but still never erased the fact that I wasn’t ready to love yet. And I was candid with you about that even from the very beginning of our cute romance.

“I want a relationship where both partners are fully emotionally prepared”

I believe two people should share love. For that reason, If only one is loving, it would be unfair. Love, at the same time, must have a good foundation, not rush and gentle.  I couldn’t say I was ready to love despite everything you showed me for and despite all the hindrances. I knew our feelings for each other were genuine and built on connection, yet, not fulfilled. Not matured.

To the guy I was not ready to love yet, I’m sorry. I really do. Trust me, when I was not afraid to love anymore, I promise there’s no turning back. And I hope we’re fully emotionally prepared.

*P.S. If you loved this piece, I’d appreciate if you’d share it with someone who might also relate. Thanks! XOXO

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